The Darkness

The dark surrounds me like the cold dark chill of a long, cold winters night. I look in front of me in search of some kind of light, some kind of hope in darkness, but I see none, I feel none. The dark is all consuming and I feel as if I am slowly drowning. I stand in the middle of a crowded room and still I feel all alone. I scream at the top of my lungs but no one hears a sound coming from my lips. "Help me" I say. Help me understand why I hurt inside so much? Help me understand why I continue to feel so dark? Help me understand how to find the light.
On the outside I smile and chat happily with others. I appear to be chipper and excited, all the while I am cowering inside and just want to curl up in a dark corner of a room, curled up as small as I can possibly be so as not to be seen by passersby. Do not look at me, do not speak to me, I am unworthy of your time. Often times, when I work at a new job, and I am excited. I am excited to learn new things, to discover new things, something that will exercise my mind, but when "the honeymoon" is over I want to learn more and more. I do learn other skills and I take the incentive to use the skills I have been taught only to be told that I should not do that. I am chastised and told that particular function is above my pay grade. I strive to make myself better by attending college to obtain a degree but the tuition is so expensive I cannot continue to make myself more valuable. So again I am knocked down and told to stay down. "Just duck your head" they said, and try to get through life. I realized a long time ago that I am uneducated, according to the worlds standards today. New jobs are being made available in so many new fields and when they are advertised the specifically say that you need a college degree to obtain this position. The pay is awesome for these position, but alas, here I am, uneducated, and not worthy of the position. I am older today than I was yesterday and I am not able to keep up, so I do the menial jobs that no one is trained to do anymore and I am paid poorly because it's a menial job. I know that at some point in time my job will no longer exist, bus driver, because of the age of computers and the fact that students will be able to do all of their work from home. I do think that is a wonderful thing, after all look how much damage we do to our environment with the diesel exhaust in the air, and the amount of fuel that is consumed every day. Transportation will be a thing of the past because we can do everything online today. We can even have others be our personal shoppers, they don't deliver yet, but that will happen.
That was my life up until about 4 months ago. This past summer was a hard on for me, but let me back up just a little more. In 2015 I had back surgery and I knew that I was not going to be able to return to the work I was doing, so I asked a question on social media that said, "what can I do for a living that will not tax my back but give me a great income"? My Cousin said "what about consulting"? I told her that would be a great idea but what do I consult on and she suggested I become a consultant with Jamberry Nail Wraps. I did that for a little while, and I do mean a little while, as I learned very quickly that it was not for me. I cook. I make people happy through their tummies. If you go away from my table hungry it's your own fault. So, in February of 2016 I became a Pampered Chef consultant. I worked my business and I did fine in the beginning, but, after a while business slowed down and I stopped asking questions. I didn't work my business. Things were tough this past summer and I wanted to blame everyone else around me for my troubles. I blamed my team leader for not seeing that I was falling off the grid. I blamed another team member for not inviting me to her wedding. On that comment I have to say that I have known the two ladies for about 30 years and I wanted them to come and save me and my business. Well, one day I was sitting on my butt at home and I decided to email my director and ask her a question and boy did I get a butt kicking. I deserved every thing she said to me and more. I was being the most selfish person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. My team leader was in Texas trying to save her family home during the hurricane and flooding and the other teammate had a limited venue as well as a limited budget. OMG, am I the most stupid person on the face of this earth. Anyway, after I got my head wrapped around what I was doing, I got off my butt, started taking accountability for my own actions and my own business. Because guess what? There is NO ONE here to tell me that the extra step I take for my friends, family, customers, or clients is above my paygrade! I can do whatever I want. I can spoil my clientele as much as I want to and no one can tell me to stop that, your not qualified to do that. I realized that I am here and I AM the one that can make a difference. If I am able to help one person make their life easier in the kitchen and answer the eternal question "What's for dinner" than I have done my JOB. I have been a complete success! I want to know what their kitchen challenge is and I want to help them solve that problem so that it's not a problem anymore. Bring the family back to the table because we have lost our simplest idea of family values. Why go to a shrink, although I need one, and talk out the troubles of a hard day. Sit down with the family and talk about it. Put all the electronics in a basket and don't touch them until dinner and family time are over. Talking about our day helps us to distress and relax. We can problem solve, help our children with everyday problems that they are unaware that you had to face when you were in school.
Let the light in my friends, let the sun warm your skin and heal your heart. Stop letting the world control you and what you do.